Hi, my name is Doug. It’s been a month and a half since I vowed not to drink beer for a whole year.

Realizing it’s been a while since I discussed how it’s going, I decided it’s time for a quick update on my situation. Avoiding beer drinking is actually going quite well. Last night I finally rid myself of the Red Stripe that had been lingering around in my fridge, taunting me. Other than that, I”ve been able to do all the fun things I normally do and find great alternatives to drinking beer – either not drinking at all, or enjoying a glass of wine or two.

One interesting effect of my choice to abstain from that most delightful combination of malts and hops is that I just drink less in general. I find myself in situations where normally I’d have a beer or two without thinking about it and since I can’t do that, I decide to have water or nothing at all to drink. And I think that’s where this choice is really going to make an impact for me. I’m not completely cutting myself off, but at the same time, I’m drinking a lot less and that has made me feel much better, health-wise.

I also started playing dodgeball one night a week, which has brought back some familiar injuries originating from my days as a box lacrosse player – specifically my weak knee. It’s been a struggle coming back every week without crumbling but I think the more abuse I give my body, the more it can take.

So I’m starting an ultimate frisbee team for the spring league – but I need more players (girls especially). Any0ne in Winnipeg who is interested, do me a solid and fill out this survey.

It’s been several days since I vowed not to drink beer for a year, and since I ran the gauntlet on my first beerless outing. Now, through either some karmic retribution or just horrible coincidence, or both, the universe seems to be repeatedly kicking me in the metaphorical junk for making this decision.

Let’s start with the other night. A repeat of my previous outing, wherein my guitarist comes over and we swap song ideas and then head out on the town. This time we make our way to Carlos and Murphy’s, a fine Mexican establishment in Osborne Village. We sit down and while pondering that near-impossible choice between burritos and enchiladas (I swear they’re exactly the same), the waitress takes our drink orders. One Corona and one water, please.

And wouldn’t you know it, she returns with two Coronas and no waters. Now I am forced to do two totally cringe-worthy things: number one, let that delicious beer sit untouched on the table, and two, tell the waitress that yes, I wanted a water and not a beer. She says “oh, I just assumed you wanted the same.” Under normal circumstances, yes, absolutely. But not for the next 362 days.

So, vow-breaking situation averted, I managed to get through the night without a beer again. I think I may eventually just have to remove myself from situations where drinking is encouraged. But I refuse to abstain, bull-headed as it may sound. But how, dear reader, can I remove myself from this?

Apparently staying home is even something I have to worry about – because my friends come over with beer and leave a single solitary Red Stripe in my fridge, just to taunt me. You bastards.

Lately, due to what can only be described as a disgusting holiday sugar-and-carbohydrate binge, I’ve found myself having trouble fitting into pants, wearing my favourite t-shirts, and generally not looking and feeling like slimer of the Ghostbusters or maybe Meat Loaf circa Rocky Horror. Therefore I thought it high time to do something, anything to work my way back to at least some semblance of normal shape.

Considering it’s already mid-January, I deem the following statement not to be a new year’s resolution, but more of a challenge to myself and a step toward better health. For the next 365 days, I shall not consume a drop of the frothy, delicious, buzz-inducing, malty, hoppy goodness known as beer.

I can hear the gasps of horror and groans of disappointment for miles around. I can also hear the snickers of cynicism. Am I insane for attempting such a thing? Maybe. But I promise to you, dear reader, that during the next year, I will do everything in my power to ensure that not an ale, lager, stout or draught will touch these lips.

Now don’t get me wrong – that doesn’t mean I’m going altogether dry. What, do you think I’m crazy? No way. It just means that after a healthy amount of consideration, I have deemed that there are other ways to get a nice buzz on and keep my caloric intake to a minimum. That’s where I need your help – what’s the healthiest drink? Wine? Martinis? Tequila? God, I hope it’s not tequila. That would be awful.

Also don’t think that this idea doesn’t scare the absolute poop out of me. Beer is a big part of socializing for me. I like to have them at the pub during a rousing chat with friends, whilst watching a great live show and sometimes with a meal at home. This is going to be tough. But I’m convinced that I’m going to come out feeling better about myself.

Also, when my year is up, and I reward myself with a lovely pint, it is going to taste like the best beer I’ve ever tasted in my entire life. My plan after that is to keep beers in the mix, but to consume in moderation. We’ll see how it goes, folks.

So here we go. 2010 – a year without beer. Be afraid. Be very afraid.